After suffering a rather harsh childhood, I grew up into a person (although a rather good natured person), a very serious person. A person with trust issues. A very anxious person. A person that strives for perfection but basically runs in circles trying to get there. A person with a very unlived life.
I am 33 today as I am writing this article. My life, my unlived life.
I was born unto parents who were 18 and 20. My dad (an alcoholic and drug addict). He was mean, often very cold. (cared only for himself). He took his hatred for the world out on my mother with an iron fist. My mom (one of the most loving and caring people I know). Although she has suffered so much as well. My mother grew up with a very cold mother and a workaholic father. My grandmother never told my mother that she loved her until my mom lay on a hospital bed at the age of 34 (my age to be) getting her breast removed because of breast cancer. She went from a cold childhood to marrying and bearing 2 children with a cold man.
On 10/10/1971, my father and mother married. On 05/10/72, my brother was born. On 10/10/76, I was born (ironic, my parents wedding anniversary) More irony, my fiance and I got together on 10/10/2004. Our wedding date 10/10/10. Crazy huh?
The best thing my dad did for my mom and us was to have an affair and walk out on us on 12/1/1986 (yes, I remember every day, every hiding spot that I would hide to escape the beatings, the drunken episodes) I remember. I remember my unlived life and childhood.
He walked out in 1986, my mom found out she had breast cancer in 1987 and had to lose her breast, my brother was murdered in 1988 as well as her father dying. Needless to say, she went through an insanity period. Who wouldn't?? You lose your husband, breast and child (there is no greater loss than the loss of a child) I was pretty much left to raise myself emotionally. Her best friend than died of lung cancer in 1989. His name was Larry (same name as my brother who was murdered). He was gay. When her best friend lay on her death bed, her and my mom made a pact. Ms. Nina would take care of our Larry in heaven and my mom would take care of her Larry.
Well, Larry actually took care of my mom and me. He was the best. If it wasn't for him, I would have probably dropped out of high school and ruined my life (I started running with a wrong crowd etc) He loved me as his own child (Again, he was gay and had no children) and he was a drag queen LOL. but he loved me so much and he taught me so much about my life and my self worth.
He died of AIDs in 1994 but he helped my mom getting her life back on track, got me through high school etc. I miss him.
Now, here I am in 2010. I have an 11 year old daughter who is my whole world. Of course, I followed in my childhood pattern and got pregnant by the wrong type of guy Deadbeat dad. Giving birth to her in 1998 gave a whole new meaning to life for me. My first look in her eyes gave me a whole new meaning to life. I knew I wanted to give her the life that I never had.
I found out her father was doing heroine when she was 2 (and after 2 times of threatening to leave and him going to rehab and relapsing) I left. I worked hard. I built my career in the banking business (starting as a teller back in 1995 and moving up the ladder) I am now successful in the mortgage business.
Back to 2010 now, my daughter is a straight A student going into 7th grade. She is a beautiful, smart, talented dancer. She loves softball and excels in drama club. She has the best personality and I am so proud of her. I see her and I think of my childhood. I can't get back that part of my life. My unlived life. I love watching her enjoy her childhood and providing her all her security.
I met a very good man back in 2004. We are marrying (10.10.10). Now, I feel that I have spent the last 10 years just working so hard at my career and raising my daughter that I am so anxious all the time. I have lots of friends.
A few months ago, I went on an inner peace journey (which is where I am now) I am 33 and I want to live my unlived life. I don't want to die an unlived life. I have learned so much about myself. I took the time to slow down and realize that I only get one chance at this life and I want to enjoy my daughter, my time, my life (my unlived life)